by Andrea Elliott

Donna Reed has known many triumphs in her illustrious life, but the one that must be considered the greatest is her success as a woman and a wife.

Happily married for many years to the producer of her top-rated ABC-TV show, Tony Owen, and the mother of four adorable children, she is proof that a woman can combine a professional career with a full-scale private life--and excel at both.

Yet, literate and deep-thinking, Donna admits that success as a woman today is not easily come by, that many pitfalls lie in the path of fulfillment and emotional security. "American women are living through a most challenging time," she offered during a candid exclusive interview. "This is an era when our many-faceted roles call for the wisdom of a Solomon and the strength of a Samson."

Sitting over coffee in the charming Beverly Hills home Donna shares with her family, she spoke freely and openly about a subject that is especially close to her heart. For although she has been fortunate enough to be the exception to the rule--to have escaped the pitfalls she feels endanger many of her contemporaries--she is concerned enough about the plight of the American woman that she offered her profound, provocative opinions in the sincere hope they might help others.

"American women very often are their own worst enemies," she explained. "So many of them have become insecure, unsure of their position in life, that they lose their charm, the very warmth that first attracted their husbands to them."

Her eyes ablaze with emotion, her lips set firm, Donna explained, "Do you know why this is? It's because we've become a country that idolizes only the very young female. Look at national news magazine covers and stories. Whose pictures do you see? Either those of handsome, brilliant, wise, accomplished, morally pure middle-aged males, or bosomy, scandal-tainted, scantily-clad, unaccomplished teenaged-looking girls. Results: The young American girl has no real honest-to-God healthy female to emulate, and the average older woman no example in public or professional life to look up to, to read about and admire via the newspapers or literature or movies, for that matter. But boys and men have authentic heroes galore, from 16 to 90, to pattern their lives after.

She leaned forward as she further defined her point. "Margaret Chase Smith was the first woman ever nominated for President. Yet, was her picture on the cover of even one national magazine? If it was, I never saw it. And why wasn't she given the coverage her charm, intelligence and fame should have demanded? What of Maria Mayer who won a Nobel Science Prize this year? Thousands of women (and men too) would have enjoyed reading about her instead of the usual stale female celebrity story of divorce, scandal, etc. Instead of people like Senator Smith and Maria Mayer we see photographs of glamour queens--beautiful and alluring--and we're asked not to care whether or not any of them are really accomplished--in fact we are asked to accept and condone their escapades.

"We've become a national that idolizes youth. And so what happens? The average housewife, perhaps unconsciously, finds she is patterning herself after those who are years younger than she. She relies on hair dyes, reducing pills, wrinkle remover, all in an attempt to look like the cover girl--and of course she never can.

"The result is that we've become a nation of insecure housewives, of middle-aged women who are nervous and neurotic, who try to hold onto their husbands by remaining young and wrinkle-free and gay."

Sighing deeply, her lovely face turned into a frown, Donna asked softly, "Why can't we just relax and accept each age as it comes? Why can't we be secure enough to believe that love is more than skin deep, that a man loves a woman for those qualities that time can't change?"

It was ironic that Donna should even be concerned with such a topic, for certainly she must be considered a delightful exception to the rule. Happily married to the same man for 19 years, exceptionally close to her four children, she has never tried to hide her age (her biography lists it as just over 40), yet still remains an idol to millions of adoring fans. The fact that they can consider her a symbol of upstanding womanhood, good taste and genteel manners, makes her today more popular than she has ever been before.

Seated now in the sundrenched, glass-enclosed patio of her home which has become a shrine to her personal success--its walls dotted here with a child's crayoned drawing, there with a prized school paper lovingly framed--Donna smiled and explained why she felt as strongly as she did. "It's a difficult role today, being a woman. And I think all women should be smart enough to realize this and to react sensibly. So much is expected of us--so very much. Many of us must combine work with housekeeping and shopping--and still can't ever forget to be full-time loving wives and mothers."

Her smile grew broad as she admitted, "I confess that sometimes when I return home from the studio it's difficult to remember my role as a dutiful wife--to be solicitous and giving. But one must never forget this. A woman who does is in trouble."

The mention of a woman's responsibility towards a mate brought Donna to the edge of her seat. Her lovely, youthful-looking face serious and sober, she explained, "I think many women today are confused by their complex roles in today's society. They don't know how to behave, how to react to a situation."

Now her pause was dramatic and when she began to speak again it was by declaring strongly, "I think the reason for the terrible divorce rate is due, in large part, to wives who back their husbands against a wall and force them into leaving the family."

Her words were loaded and she knew it. Still, she didn't back down. Instead, her voice meaningful, her words deliberate, she elaborated, "Do you know one of the greatest mistakes a married woman can make? It's discovering her husband has had an indiscretion and accepting it as such an affront to her ego that she succeeds in destroying her marriage.

"She thinks to herself, 'If he looked at another woman, he must love her.' But usually an outside flirtation isn't love. It would pass if the man wasn't made to feel guilty, if he wasn't pushed by his guilt into actually seeking divorce.

"Why is it that in France, in Italy, a man can return home? Here, in America, more often than not, he finds it impossible. We've become such a sex-obsessed nation that we forget how much more there is to marriage.

"And I wonder how many times a man has actually convinced himself that he's in love with the object of his flirtation--after his hurt and embittered mate keeps accusing him of the fact that he must be."

Donna paused, then said, "What we probably need in this country is a re-education. Couldn't women learn to be more mature, forgiving?

"And when I say forgiving, I don't simply mean giving idle lip service to such a gesture. Women must be capable of complete exoneration, of absolute pardon. Yet, too few women can do this. It seems they'd rather (if they finally decide to let him back home at all) spend the rest of their lives reminding a past mate of a past mistake.

"How should a woman react then, if faced with a possibility that her mate has been unfaithful?" Donna smiled softly as she declared, "Why, I suspect she should do nothing at all. She should stay home and go on baking cookies, go on fixing dinner--and keep a smile on her face, her hair neatly combed, a happy lilt to her voice.

"Sound impossible? But don't you see how wise it is? Don't you think that a man finds it terribly difficult to permanently leave a happy home, a smiling wife?

"How sad that so few women realize, that most rebel against hurt by endless screaming or pouting, by salving their wounded egos with anger and thoughts of revenge.

"I know one case which is such a pathetically perfect example of this. The husband, after the first blissful, warm years of the honeymoon were over, went through a stage where he became bored with his home. Was he guilty of indiscretions? His wife could never prove it, but she couldn't believe anything else could be responsible for his sudden disinterest in her and the home.

"And so she became frantic, horribly insecure. She pleaded with him to remain home evenings. When he wouldn't she would cry herself to sleep, forgetting what effect her actions would have on the children.

"And when the situation became worse--made worse by his reluctance to return to a nagging, screaming wife, she began a series of suicide attempts in a desperate try to bring her mate back to her side. Certainly she never intended to take her own life. All she wanted was to scare her husband into staying with her. But her tactics didn't work. Married life finally became so intolerable that he filed suit for divorce."

Donna leaned back against her chair, mentally reviewing the provocative thoughts she had projected during our discussion, while coffee had grown cold and the sun had warmed the room of its early morning chill. She smiled gently when she said, "Understand, I'm certainly not totally against divorce. Sometimes, it's necessary. But I feel there are other times when women should sit back and think of what's really important--of what the major values are. I've seen too many women destroy themselves emotionally through fear and insecurity. Yet I've seen others--the wise ones--with maturity enough to know how to handle life and how to get the most out of it.

"Regardless of what the magazine publishers have decided, there is a place for the woman in this world, for the housewife who has lost her teenage bloom! She can give a man what those younger than she can't: warmth and charm and wisdom. All these things grow inside a person as one matures. And the only way one can destroy these qualities in one's self is to think they're unimportant, to drown them through bitterness and hatred. Believe me, they are important. Much more valuable and lasting than hair dye, wrinkle remover and reducing pills. For, as much as cosmetic manufacturers might disagree, the only real beauty aids that have been developed are those that are free--those which are an outpouring from a contended heart."

*from TV Picture Life, November 1965